don’t be fooled by my smiles for they don’t always mean happiness
don’t be fooled by my laughter for it doesn’t always mean joy
don’t be fooled by my silence for it doesn’t always mean peace
don’t be fooled by my nods for they don’t always mean yes
don’t be fooled by my stares for they don’t always mean admiration
don’t be fooled by my presence for it doesn’t assure you of my stay
don’t be fooled by my heart for it also knows how to get tired…..
this breaks my heart into a million tiny pieces.
this makes me feel so blessed to have allan.
love you pangs!
we finally went to church today. it’s been so long, i am really embarrassed. anyway, the people there were so happy to see us. people knew us, people we have not met before. so that’s a bit scary if you ask me, ok, maybe i am just being paranoid or maybe i’ve been so used to leading a very quiet life i.e me and allan and a few friends who we happen to work with he he.
there were the 2 nuns who were very nice to me. they took an instant liking to moi when we first had the pleasure of meeting at ate sarah’s house. if my memory serves me right, that was before xmas pa when we gathered to talk about the xmas party. i promised them that we would see them in church the following week but with work and my parents’ arrival, it proved to be impossible. ok, yeah impossible is too strong a word because it sounds really bad to say that one thing sounded more important than GOD, so okay i’ll shut up and admit to my mistake.
people asked for our numbers during the small get-together after the mass. it was nice. after church we went to the mall to pay for our car but we were too late and the banks were already closed. i saw another pinay and talked for a bit. not 10 steps after i saw my friends, the ones i went to melbourne with and we did a bit of catching up. then more people asked for my number.
i still do not know why and how i get 100++ views on my friendster this early on. i have my viewing settings on private but i have this little trick that allows me to see the people who view my profile everyday. still there are people, who i think have their setting on private too, that my little trick won’t cover,
bought some bathroom supplies at watson’s and saw another pinay. i swear, i really felt famous ha ha, OA. joke. while i was busy putting stuff into my cart, allan handed me a bunch of notes and asked me to count them. it was missing 1,000 baht. good thing allan likes keeping receipts (which i absolutely loathe kse to me they just tend to pile up and create a mess). we phoned the customer service and were told that we need to wait until tuesday to get our money back.
i can’t seem to keep maye out of my mind, it really worries me. she’s married to my cousin and they have a baby girl. it terrifies me to think of what will happen to them if something terrible should happen to maye. okay, erase erase erase. it just really bothers me that i find myself praying while taking a shower, when i remember it in the middle of the class, several times during the mass and now. please help me pray for her.
i wasn’t so busy this afternoon. i did not have a class from 1-4pm and so i surfed and surfed the net. from one famous website i found people who are looking for partners, lifetime partners. it strikes me odd that these people should look for true love over the net when stories from left, right and center keep popping up about scams and deadly things that come from internet dating, maybe i am just being too skeptical but to me love and internet is just NO MATCH at all.
it rained cats and dogs a few hours ago, good thing we were already home. i do not get scared easily but the intensity of those thunderstorms were enough for me to ask allan not to go too far from me. really scary.
party tomorrow night so that means no blogging on sunday.
i’ve been having random thought on life all week. too bad i wasn’t able to jot them down.
our broadband isn’t working yet. this disappoints allan to no end. we got all the equipment since tuesday and we were told that they have already fixed the problem. we’re waiting for monday when we can torture a poor soul to coming to the house and actually see the whole da*n thing get fixed.
for now i’d have to be content with my usb modem.
Bakit kase kailangan lahat ipilit?
Usapan namin alas diyes ng umaga sa tapat ng opisina ko. Anong oras na? Sampung minuto na lang lunch time na, wala pa din sya. Naka ilang text at tawag na ba ako? Kahit isa walang sagot.
Sabi ni Nica, dapat daw hindi na ako nag aabala pa sa boyfriend ko, dahil wala daw syang kwenta. Halos lahat ng kaibigan ko, ayaw kay Derek. Hindi dahil palagi syang late sa mga lakad namin, hindi dahil palagi nyang nakakalimutan ang mga importateng araw sa buhay namin kung di dahil meron syang girlfriend.
Aray ko, parang ramdam ko pa yung kutos ni Nica sa akin nung isang gabi. Sabi nya: “Hoy Karina, matauhan ka nga, hindi ka kase madaan sa magandang usapan baka sakaling pag kinutusan kita maalog yang utak mo, magising ka.”
Mahirap ipaliwanag kung bakit hanggang ngayon naghihintay pa din ako para sa kanya. Dalawang taon na akong nagmimistulang Juan na nag-aantay na mabagsakan ng bayabas swak sa bunganga. Oo, andyan ng mahal ko yung tao. Hindi naman masamang tao si Derek, hindi lang talaga nya maiwan si Risa.
Sa totoo lang pareho kaming may pagkatanga ni Derek. Kung bakit hindi nya maiwan si Risa kahit na to the nth power ang kasamaan ng ugali nya, hindi ko alam. Siguro kaya kami naging kami ni Derek dahil kinailangan nyang kumawala kay Risa na panay ang pakikipa-break sa kanya noon. At si mokong, twing binabalikan akala mo hinahagisan ng manna galing sa langit at masayang masaya. In other words, isa akong panakip butas na ginamitan ng mighty bond at hindi ordinaryong rugby lang. Ako ang mighty-bonded panakip butas na nagpupumilit kumapit kahit na wala na naman yatang sirang bagay na dapat ayusin.
Nagrunung-runungan ako at sinabi ko kay Nica ang mighty-bond theory ko. Sabi nya: “Sira, total renovation na ang kelangan nun, hindi na kaya ng kahit na anong tapal kasehodang mighty bond pa yan.”
Tama nga kaya si Nica? Kailangan ko na ba talagang bumitaw at maghanap ng new project?
Siguro madali para kay Nica na sabihin tigilan ko na ang kaaasa kay Derek. Buti sya, maganda, matalino, at maporma. Kapag Valentine’s Day nga ako na ang humahawak ng ibang flowers nya. Ang gusto ko lang naman sabihin ay hindi naman alam ni Nica yung pakiramdam ng tao na miminsan lang mabigyan ng pagkakataong magmahal.
Alam mo ba yung pakiramdam ng naghihintay na makaranas ng kilig? Yung pakiramdam ng naghihintay makarinig na may nagmamahal sa’yo? Yung ngumiti ng ngumiti kahit wala namang nakakatawa pero pag naisip mo yung oras na magkasama kayo masaya ka na? Si Derek, sya yun. Dumating sya nung panahon na halos naniwala na ako na hindi para sa akin ang pag-ibig. Kaya siguro nung dumating sya sa buhay ko, kahit mali, kahit alam kong dehado ako sinubok ko pa din. Kahit masakit kahit madaming tutol. Eh, ano naman puso ko naman to, di ba?
Habang pauwi galing opisina, inabutan ako ng malakas na ulan. Hindi ako handa at wala akong payong dahil sa init ng panahon hindi ko inakalang uulan pala sa hapon. Andun ako, basang-basang naglalakad, sa kanto papasok ng boarding house.
At biglang naisip ko. Si Derek at ako, parang malakas na ulan sa gitna ng kasikatan ng araw. Sa gitna ng tag-init, bumuhos ang ulan at nagdala ng malamig na simoy. Sino ba ang tatanggi sa malamig na hangin? Pero habang tumatagal, lumakas ng ulan, bumigat ang patak. Masakit ang bagsak ng ulan, parang tayo. Habang tumatagal mas lalo akong nasasaktan.
Siguro kailangan ko na talagan sumilong para makaiwas sa masasakit na patak, mga patak na nakakabulag.
